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REAL PARTNERS AT BIRTH
"The one thing I want Lily to always know is how very very strong her mother is." ~ Jordan Miller, new father
Dr. Robert A. Bradley is probably most noted not only for supporting natural childbirth but also for supporting the move to include fathers in births and allow them in the delivery room. It seems though that whether or not partners should be at a birth, men in particular, has until now been considered an either/or proposition.
The BBC news published a summation on a view by Michel Odent, MD that he has held for a long time and recently commented on again.
Independent Childbirth's educators delve a little further into the influence of every person present for a birth including partners. Although the influence of careproviders is well documented and Odent refers to fathers in particular mothers should consider both fathers and all significant family and friends who may be considered to be present during the birth process.
DECIDING WHO SHOULD BE THERE
There are plenty of books about birth planning and the birth experience depicting all sorts of scenarios of different people to have at a birth. We like the approach of women starting by thinking of themselves first! Then ask themselves who they want at their birth first and why ~ it's okay to have a change of mind after weighing additional information and insight. Dismissing a first instinct based solely on the perception that a book or others might know better doesn't honor the real woman giving birth. It's okay to allow the thought that who we want and whether or not they want to be there enter into the equation. Women and their partners must have open dialogue about how their partners will support them and be accepting of the honest assessment of what each person has to offer. Our expectations of ourselves is the first expectation to come to mind and that one is often the hardest one to meet. It's enough work looking for birth care providers who not only support but really believe in our ability to birth and remember our baby is our first partner let alone trying to convince others to be there the way we want them to be there.
Without honest and blunt consideration of ensuring the expectations she has of others are real, women can later find themselves hurt by the unrealized expectations especially if the labor experience itself holds other issues. Although a birth outcome may be directly attributed to an intervention a mother may feel resentful that her partner didn't "speak up for her." It's normal for a woman planning a homebirth to hope her partner will do more, know more, be better prepared by virtue of being at home then be disappointed if her parther is "too at home" and feel her partner was distracted with their conveniences easily at hand.
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|  | PREVIOUS BIRTH EXPERIENCES OF THOSE WHO WILL BE THERE
When women ask us how to interview a careprovider or what makes for a good birth care provider we include asking prospective careproviders what their experiences are with natural childbirth. A careprovider who sees birth as an accident waiting to happen is going to bring that vibe to the birth and it is not a positive presence. The same criteria needs to be applied to everyone else who will be at the birth. The most radical examples are that we don't want people with unresolved traumatic birth experiences and who cannot isolate the experience as theirs. During your labor you will experience a whole range of emotions that are positive at turns and negative at turns or neither. Add oxytocin to the mix and a woman is very vulnerable to the mental and emotional issues of others. If her thoughts turn to the negative she needs to have everyone around her bring her up not exacerbate her fears or emotional lows.
THE BIRTH SETTING'S VIEW OF PARTNERS, DOULAS AND OTHERS AT BIRTH
In addition to the historical struggle to have fathers present at births there are also places where additional female support is not exactly welcomed. More than one doula has experienced the need to balance supporting a mother with deflecting a careprovider's desire to prove the doula coercing the mother's choices or otherwise practicing outside the scope of doula care. Partners can also be relegated to being considered either a "third wheel" or being co-opted into going along with the careprovider to be accepted as a part of the birth. Neither scenario gives the partner the autonomy to be themselves and mothers will easily perceive their partner's inability or discomfort with the setting. This becomes another 'something' to deal with mentally and emotionally when mothers should be fully focused on their bodies, their babies, their labor. They should not have to be concerned with ensuring everyone else's comfort. Instead of focusing on solutions to her labor she focuses on solutions to others' problems in the environment.
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| OUR OWN EXPECTATIONS OF OUR PRESENCE AT ANOTHER'S BIRTH
Even midwives and independent labor support is careful to weigh in how who they are can influence a birth. We fully expect women to choose us on a personal level at times, that we 'click.' We are fully cognizant of and appreciate women as unique individuals and while we remain professional and can apply protocols we think of women as more than protocols or maternal environments. In order to fully support the laboring mother we try to learn more about the partner's experiences, strengths and fears and in doing so help partners define what they feel they can do, what they feel they'd like to be able to do and help them meet those desires, as well as help women identify together with their partners options for additional support or learning resources.
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